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not the gites ....

Alicia : penguin weiner to brighten your mood? http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/yhst-61255607925116_2121_76107653

Me : LOL, dude, how fucking cute!
but i thought... not very nice things.

Alicia : yes.
well and you should.
often a time i sit here looking up animal penises for my pleasure. especially penguins.

Me : LOL. well shit!

Alicia : because obviously i have a death wish
Goatsies maybe??

Me : LOL
that looks better.

Alicia : or maybe its like .. Mouse and Mice yaknow?

Me : why are we having a conversation about plural goatsies?

Alicia : only i wouldnt know how thatd be spelled either
i really dont know.


Alicia : as if one wasnt bad enough.

Me : ... now.

Alicia : my god the gites ...


itll do.
yaknow. for now.

Me : OMFG.

Alicia : it was pretty serious

Me : what got me was "my god the gites"

Alicia : we're speaking plural.
there is no god when it comes to the gites.


Alicia : please picture me having a very blank and vacant stare right now when i say .... "the gites"
i can be perfectly normal. until .... the gites .... then for a reason because i have no soul ....


Alicia : the empty vacant .. nothingness im left with.

Me : omfg.
i'm dying.
that was fb status worthy. serious business.

Alicia : you ever lay in bed at night and wonder where your life would be if you hadnt seen it?

Me : LMAO.

Alicia : ... i do

Alicia : no.. i don't believe i have.

Alicia : i think all the time WELL WHY ME?! WHAT DID I DO? but then i think maybe it was just the hand i was delt
and then that makes me think of Mr.Hands
but then sometimes it just happens.


Alicia : and then you wonder if youll ever wake up one day and it happens to you


Alicia : can you control your own destiny? i mean CAN YOU? O.O
yeah i know. im having a moment and its totally brilliant


Alicia : and as usual. theres no fucking one here to bask in this

Me : this is LJ worthy.

Alicia : this .. this glory!
it just may be.

Me : don't worry, it's going on LJ, and then i'm sharing it with the world!

Alicia : god had once again descended upon my life.

Me : omfg. you're crazy.

Alicia : i so know it.
i figure why not embrace it. yaknow?
just. just go with it.

Me : i think i dribbled in my pants from laughing so much.

Alicia : btw these are to die! http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/yhst-61255607925116_2121_34489854
dribbled .. wow lol

Me : it's awesome that you think of penguins & lions while i'm dribbling.

Alicia : and so we've come full circle
it was a penguin that started this conversation
~ in a manner

Envy. Such a strong word isn't it? One of the deadly sins? You shouldn't envy what one has over you, God made you who you are for a reason right? Guess I'm going to hell.

I don't think it's fair. Life is never fair. But why should he get to love again, and I can't? I've loved him so much that it's literally bad for me. And I know that. And it's okay that we're not together. But I don't want him loving anyone else either. Maybe I'm selfish and immature for thinking this way. I mean, if I can be with someone else, why shouldn't he? Because it's his fault. I am terrified of loving someone again. So terrified that I don't know if I'll ever do it again. As much pain as he has put me through I don't think I will want to get hurt again. Not saying if I ever loved someone (and was in denial) that they would hurt me. But I never thought he would either. I just don't think I am worthy of someone else's love. Especially if I will always love him. Always. I will hate every last person he is with, I will hate him ever single time he is with a girl, friend or not.

Does this make me selfish and immature? Yeah probably, but I don't care. How did I ever fall in love with him anyway? Why was it him? Why couldn't it be someone that was good to me? And why doesn't he care that he hurts me so much? My chest hurts with such intensity every time I think of him. I start breathing hard, my eyes well up with tears... My heart starts pounding and then I feels like someone grabs hold of it and squeezes as hard as possible.

And he doesn't even care.

5 months. Another very long break from writing. I wish I could tell you that things were fantastic. I wish I could tell you how everything has been absolutely wonderful since then. 2 months of this 5 months break was wonderful, blissful even. I was happy. I was confident. I was me, again, after 3 years of losing myself, I became the real me again. But that all changed 3 months ago. When I let him back into my life.

My husband. Oh, my dear husband. I love him so much. And I can't even begin to figure out why anymore. He got out April 29, 2010. He treated me like a queen. He took care of the kids all day, everyday. He loved me to his fullest ability. We had the same spark come back from when we first got together almost 4 years ago, August 24, 2006. We felt refreshed from our 9 month break. We felt as if we could take on the world together again, and never have a care in the world again. Because all we both knew was that we had two beautiful daughters, and we loved each other and the girls very much, and there was nothing else in this world that mattered. But all things have to go bad sometime or another. I guess I just got lucky for it to happen so soon, as opposed to later down the road.

As of now, I am single again. This all started a week and a half ago. Eleven days to be exact. He wanted to stay the night at his friends. Of course I'm okay with that. Why wouldn't I be? I trust his friend, and I was trying to give him my trust. As much as he did to me last year, I gave him the most trust as I could at this point. I still worried, of course, that's just me. I didn't trust him completely yet, nor will I ever trust him again. He was doing tattoos that day, ended up staying the night because he had more to do in the morning. But I wanted to see him before I went to sleep, this was the first time we had been separated since he got our of prison 3 months ago. So yes, it was hard for me. And throw in the trust factor, and it makes it even harder. So I asked him if I could see him. I finally talked him into it after a few hours, and as I was on my way over there, he called me. Got pissed at me because I was messing with him via text, saying "Meh, I don't feel like coming over now." He hung up on me twice, before I even got there. This pisses me off. If there is one thing in this world that I hate, it would be that. I don't know why it pisses me off so bad, but it does, and I also see it as a very disrespectful thing to do. I get there, I knock on the door. I see that he is doing a tattoo, but ask if he can pause for a minute and said "We need to talk." Now, yes I did over react quite a bit about this situation, but listen to the rest of my story.

"WHAT?!" really shitty. I say "Nevermind, if you don't want me over here, I won't be over here." And I started walking away. But he jumped up and came out into the hallway, and started yelling at me, about him being busy, and working. Again, this was my fault that this argument happened. I completely agree that I shouldn't have interrupted him while he was working ( this is his job ), but I also didn't like being treated like shit. We get to arguing, and eventually, I walk away ( and he hates that more than anything, but yet, he always wants me to leave him alone? ). I get into my car and I come back home. I'm pissed, crying. Everything ends up being okay hours later after we talk. I went over and got him so he could get some clothes to stay over there, and I try so hard to talk him into coming home. Staying home for the night so we could figure this argument out. So I could apologize, and make him realize that I knew it was my fault and that it wouldn't happen again. He refused.

"Fine, let's go." I said, in my most shitty tone. Because, yes, I was pissed. I wanted him to stay home and let me explain myself. He got pissed. When we got into the car, I don't remember what happened next, because it happened so fast. But he just started yelling at me, at the tops of his lungs, screaming that he hates me. And this set me off. We're screaming the whole way to his friends house. He's punching my dashboard, ripped my rearview mirror off the windshield. I mean, we are screaming, going at it.

Long story short, we get there, more yelling, more fighting. He won't give me my sister's phone, I get pissed, he goes into his friends house and locks the door. I knock and knock until he comes back out, I ended up smacking him in his chest ( frustration ), and he ripped my shirt off, went back inside and locked the door. He wanted me to leave with no shirt. I had to pathetically knock on that door for 10 minutes until someone else came out and gave me a shirt. I was so fucking humiliated.

Since then, he has continued to stay at his friends house, and will not come home. At this point, I don't care anymore. He said we needed to live apart from each other, because he was scared he would hit me. He said that night he had that feeling of ripping my jaw off, and he didn't know what had stopped him from doing so. I keep trying to tell him it won't happen again, I'm going to work on this over reacting thing. He refuses.

Now, I can't remember what day this lying shit started. But I will tell you this. Since that day. 11 days ago, to the hour, actually. He has kissed two girls, cheating on me. He has lied to me SEVERAL times about why those girls ( and his ex-girlfriend ) were at his friends house, and WHO was over there with him. He has lied SEVERAL times about WHO he's doing tattoo's on. ( One being his ex-girlfriend, and the two girls he kissed ). And it was a never ending cycle of lying. Even after we had a talk Sunday night about his lying ( after I found out about the first girl he kissed ), HE STILL DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THE SECOND GIRL. I had to find out via THE FIRST GIRL. Now, at this point, we were done when I finally found out the truth. We had both come to a mutual agreement that we would stay really close friends for now, and work it out on the way. So, of course, tell me. It's not like I can do much but yell at you, and cry my eyes out that you cheated on me again ( for the second summer in a row ), we're already broken up, so why lie to me still?

I wish I could hate him. I wish I could tell him to never enter my life again. But, of course, I was the stupid one who had children with him. I was the stupid one who married him. And again, I am the stupid one for letting him back into my life, after I was so very happy without him.

He did me wrong again. And I don't think there will ever be another relationship between us again. If there is a possibility of that, it's years from now, and he has got to do some serious changing. Please, someone tell me I'm wrong. And some lyrics to close this entry.

"I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like. And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe. I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight. As long as the wrong feels right. It's like I'm in flight, high of love, drunk from the hate. It's like I'm huffing paint, and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate." - Eminem ft. Rihanna "Love The Way You Lie"

It's been 6 months since my last entry. 6 whole months for me to regain my strength, happiness, and confidence. 6 whole months to finally be over him. 6 whole months... and I'm on a road to transformation.

I had my daughter on February 21, 2010. Her name is Elena, she weighed 7lbs 10oz. She was born at 12:11 AM. She is absolutely beautiful, and looks just like her father, just like her sister. So, pretty much, I had nothing to do with these children, just carried em both for 9 months. That's absolutely nothing. *severe sarcasm*. SRSLY, at LEAST one of them should look like me, but neither do. *sigh*. Oh well.

Matt wrote me a letter not too long ago. Saying some pretty nasty things. And I decided to write him back, to tell him that I'm not his girl anymore, he's not gonna talk to me like that. And surprisingly, when I got the next letter, he was civil, and everything he said made sense to me. I didn't shed one single tear reading it, even when the bad things came up. ( Usually happens when it does ). And to be honest. I think there's hope. Maybe to save our marriage. But I know I will not let him abuse me anymore. Physically or mentally. I've been through too much in the past year to deal with that again.

But, I think there's hope solely because, he said he'd had our divorce papers filled out for 3 months now. And he can't send them. He hasn't yet, and he can't. Because, and I do quote this "I'm not ready, and I hate you for it." Which means, in his lingo, he would like to work shit out, if we both have changed. I know I have, has he? This is the question that scares me. Will we be able to work things out? Will we be able to be happy together again, and this time, forever? I know the things I did to make him snap, and I know that some of the fact of him abusing me, was my fault. I knew what I should have done to not get him to that point. I knew what would set him off. But I did it anyway. I know, he doesn't have the right to hit me because he's mad, but I also knew it would happen if I continued to do things to set him off.

I don't know if things will work between us. I don't know if I even want things to work between us. I know that I do still love him, and I always will. He was my first love, took my virginity, and I gave him two children, that I know he loves. And I know that we definitely could be happy together again. *IF* We both have changed.

But, will I ever be able to forgive him for what he has done? For what he has ruined? Will I ever trust him again? Trust him to not hurt me, or the kids? Trust him to not sleep with someone else again? Trust him to be there when we need him the most? These are all very good questions, that I hope to find the answers too. But, I do know that we both have a mutual feeling of wanting our best friend back. Each other. Another good question raised in this is... Can we really be JUST friends? Will we ever be able to be JUST friends?

I don't think we could be JUST friends. I mean, sure we could be friends. But we'd be REALLY GOOD GOD DAMN FRIENDS, and most likely, if we had someone else in our lives, we'd cheat on that person we'd be with, to be with each other. Does that make sense?

I want him to be here for the kids, more than anything. Regardless of all of this, I want them to know their father. And I know it's important to him to be here for the girls, because he didn't have a father. Sure, his dad supported them financially. But he wasn't there. He only cared for drugs, and porn. That's all he ever did. Drugs, and watched porn. He wasn't really there for them.

Regardless of all of this, I want him to know that I support him 100% in his decision making. I want him to know that I'm here for him, and so are his children, and that we'll always be his family, regardless of what has happened. We'll always be the ones who love him unconditionally. And I know that this sounds weird to most people, but I'm the type of person, once you're in my life, and I care for you, like I cared for him, you'll always be a part of my heart. No matter how much hate I say I feel toward you, no matter if we talk alot or not. You'll always have a place in my heart. And he was a huge part of my life. My first husband, my first real boyfriend tbh, the one who took my virginity, and the one who gave me two beautiful children who I love dearly. Yes, he's definitely going to have the biggest part of my heart. Without him, I would be as strong as I am, and I wouldn't know the beauty, selflessness, and strength of being a mother.

And it runs from her eyes uncontrolled. "Give it time" she thinks, and hope still lingers in the air, but denial is a fleeting remedy. She squeezes skin with painted fingers, and the bleeding is a cruel reminder, everything she's suffering is real. - Honestly "This Perfect Thing"

So, I've been feeling. Well, for about a week I went on a crying phase with the whole Matt issue. And then with everything else that I'm coming to find out.

I went to my first doctor appointment for the baby. I'll be 19 weeks along on Sunday. ( This following Sunday, btw. ) They did the whole check down in my vag, found the baby's heartbeat. That was exciting. And also took the doctor about 20 minutes to do so, which leads me to believe it is a boy. =] Which I'm praying for badly. Also, on this day, they did some blood work, which I am going to get the results of on Monday. This is where I start to worry.

I'll admit. I've made quite a few bad choices concerning sex, after the whole Matt thing happened. I do no have any excuses, nor will I say stuff such as "I trusted them." Because, I didn't. I don't. And I'm scared that I have contracted an std from one of the three. The one was supposedly a virgin, I do not believe so. Either way, none of that matters. It was completely and utterly all my fault for doing what I was doing. Not trusting them, nor knowing them very well enough to trust them in the first place. Nor not asking whether or not they knew.

So awaiting Monday. And horrified. I've been praying that I don't have something, and if I do, dear God, let it be curable.

On a higher note. Have started talking to alot of people I went to elementary school with, and really just old friends that I let go of when I started dating Matt. Tony is the main person I would like to talk about here. I've known him since I was in 7th grade, and the both of us have always had feelings for each other. Well, I think it was 2 or 3 nights ago that I seen him for the first time since Matt & I got together. And, he has a girlfriend. Which was completely and utterly fine with me, yaknow. I'm not really searching for a relationship, if it finds me, it does. Anyway, he's telling me what he's been up too, I told him what I've been up too. We went to Taco Bell, got some food and went to the park. The whole time he kept saying "Dammit, I really wish I didn't have a girlfriend... I really wish I didn't have a girlfriend." and I was feeling the same way. But, I was not voicing this fact. But I told him, I was not going to be that girl. I was not going to come between the two of them. If their relationship didn't work out, it would not be because of me. I know what that's like, I do not want to be that person. But he insisted that he was going to get me to kiss him before he dropped me off back home. Well, as we were walking back to the car, he tried to kiss me. I pulled away, and started to walk away, but he pulled me back with such force. And, to be completely fucking honest, that turned me on. So we had a hardcore make out session. But that was it. And I haven't spoke to him since that night. Which is sad, really. But, I know it's not because he doesn't want to see me. He's got a job, a girlfriend and her kid to be with. So that's not bothering me that he has a life. Yaknow. Whatev.

Other than all of that. Lmfao, I have been in a great mood. Pixie isn't screaming constantly anymore. We wake up at 7 every morning, and she's always so happy. I love seeing her happy, that is all I live for, to see her happy. Brightens my own day if she's happy. :)

Foot is asleep, shall be done writing now.

Hmm. 4WEEKS.

4WEEKS. That's a really long time not to update. I just remembered my spiffular LJ. Lmao. I don't know. I seen Matt two weeks ago, to the day. It was the day before he was going off to jail, so I agreed to see him, after he almost begged me too. And I'm really glad I did. I got the closure I needed, which I did not realize I needed, until after I had it. I'm really starting to feel like I can be friends with him. Be civil, have a nice chat with him every now & again. He wrote me, since then. And it was so nice to read the letter, because it was so... plain. It was like nothing has happened. Just nice to read something from him, not mentioning anything that's been going on. Like a regular conversation, only on paper. I'm still in the process of writing him back. Lol, it's really not that long, and I have plenty to say, I just haven't really gotten to it yet.

I've really got to quit smoking. Random shit right there, but trufax. I'm most worried about this baby, Pixie, I was worried all that much about. I knew she was okay, I heard her heartbeat every two weeks, I seen a healthy baby in the ultrasound pictures. But this one, I've already been to the hospital. I was bleeding, like I'd started my period. So I got scared as hell, went to the hospital, they said everything was fine, it just happens every now & again. Just get some rest, be careful. Yadda yadda. But I'm still worried. I don't know if it's just a feeling I have, and that I should be worried, or if it's just my head fucking with me. Idk, idk.


I decided to update again. :) I've been feeling alot of, well. Hell lately. I went camping this past weekend, and it hurt, to do that without him. I thought about him all weekend. Because, the last time I had been in this place, I was pregnant, and I was with him. And I missed it so much. Everytime we drove out of the camp site, I almost cried. There was a place, when we were driving, that we were being silly, and making fun of the song "Party Like A Rockstar", and I just remember those little things. It hurt. Alot. I just, I torture myself. Thinking about all the things that were good. When things were good. Looking at old pictures, seeing old videos of us together. It really sucks. I'm trying my best to get out of this hurting phase, but I think all the happiness I've been feeling is really catching up with me. I'm starting to hurt more than ever. And I'm scared. Of everything. And I think it might be the horomones, with the pregnancy and all, but either way. It doesn't matter. I hate him, I hate this situation, and I really wish things were better sometimes. But, I know that they'll never be better, and I'll never be with the good him again.

Now for a real entry

I do enjoy this icon of George Harrison. He's hardcore to the core, you don't even know. Anyway. I decided to post a real entry, other than talking about Alicia, which she loved. Hahaa. Most of this entry will be about me, and what's going on with my life, so I can catch you all up, so you understand.

The man of my dreams, I was with him for 3 years, we got married 2 years into our relationship, when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Pixie. ( Who is now 1 years old ). Now, don't get me wrong, we had some problems. There were always issues, and there always is when you're with someone. Couples always fight. It's normal. But he did treat me well, when he wasn't beating on me. He did it for the 3 years we were together, and I didn't tell anyone. Up until February 13, 2009. Friday the 13th, of course.

We'd gotten into an argument, he beat me, I went to his mom. She called the cops on him, he went to jail, lost his job, we lost everything. For some reason, we kept coming up with the rent money, March, April & May, we had the rent money. Well, on Easter Sunday, we decided we should take a break, and it would be good for us, so I moved in with my sister. For a month. Everything went wonderfully, we ended up caring more about each other again. Well, I moved back in, and as soon as I did, things when back down hill. By the end of May, I was moving back out, and into my mom's house. Which is where I reside now. During the whole month of June, we were trying to work things out, trying to make it work. Or, at least I thought WE were. Not just, myself. At the end of June, June 29, to be exact, my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and myself went to get my shit out of the apartment. Which was just about everything in the apartment. Matt has nothing to his name, literally. So, when I got there, he was not supposed to be there, at all. I seen him walking down the street to come back, I decided to go ask him a few questions. He said I was starting shit, and decided to come into the apartment, he punched two holes in the wall, and stood outside for most of the time. My mom got nervous & called a police escort over for us. We moved an entire 3 bedroom townhouse apartment into the UHAUL in 3 hours. If that. We left, and when we did, he threatened that if I didn't bring his guitars back, he would burn down our house, kill us all. Yadda yadda. Yes, I took his guitars, two of them, because my guitar, was missing.

I told him he gives me mine, I'll give him his. I still haven't gotten mine. But either way, I called the cops on him for making threats. He went back to jail. He sat there for about 3 weeks. Maybe two. The day after he went to jail, I found out he had been having sex with some other girl the whole month of June, while we were trying to work things out. While I was trying to work things out. He had also been having sex with me, in the beginning of June. So he was fucking us both at the same time. Isn't that fabulous? It makes me feel so amazing to know that while I was trying so hard to make things right, he didn't care. While I was also trying to make things right in the month of June, I hadn't had my period since May 10. I figured maybe it's just being retarded because of all the stress. But when I told Matt that I hadn't had my period, on father's day, June 21, he proceeded to punch me, and knee me in my stomach. That's when I finally said, enough is enough, I'm done trying with you.

I have found out recently, that I am pregnant with his second child. He got out two weeks ago from today. He knows I'm pregnant, I speak with his mom all the time. She loves me. Lol. But I haven't spoke with him since he got out, and I don't care too. I'm currently seeing someone else, who knows everything that's going on, and he's absolutely amazing. I still haven't been to the doctor for the baby, because I have to pay $100 each visit until my Medicaid goes through. I'm worried about the baby, terribly worried. I'm scared to do any of this on my own, without him. And I do still care a great deal about him. But I've learned I have to let go. Let him do what he wants, he's not of my concern anymore. I'm divorcing him soon, and moving on to better things in life. I'm scheduling a GED test, and going to college, hopefully in 2010. I was shooting for this year, but that didn't work out. Lol.

So, this is my life, at the moment. Enjoy.

well hellooo

So, Alicia made me make a lj, so I did. =] I'm gonna try to write every now & again with what's going, hell, I don't even know if anyone will read it, but it might help me out, so I'm not worried about that. =] Anyhow, comments & the good shiz. Whatev. Here's to the first entry. =]